


And Still We Sleep

by Wholocked_Merthur_out



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-30 16:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3942823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wholocked_Merthur_out/pseuds/Wholocked_Merthur_out
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After each Dead Poet's meeting in the middle of the woods, Neil and Todd spent the remaining hours of the night alone together, hidden under the covers with a flashlight between them, reading the poetry that hadn't been read; reading the poetry that they wanted to read just themselves; poetry with hidden meaning that they hoped the other would never discover; poetry they wrote purely for the others ears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Still We Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> I would just like to say that I absolutely hate Claudia and this work is for her but I still hate her for getting me into this godawful movie, I want to cry and rip my eyes out I love these dweebs so much.

 After each Dead Poet's meeting in the middle of the woods, Neil and Todd spent the remaining hours of the night alone together, hidden under the covers with a flashlight between them, reading the poetry that hadn't been read; reading the poetry that they wanted to read just themselves; poetry with hidden meaning that they hoped the other would never discover; poetry they wrote purely for the others ears.

 

And yet, on the night Neil's father came to take him away, after the rest of the group went to the cave in the middle of the night, and after Professor Keating found them and read poetry and danced with them like he himself was just a teenager, Todd was left in their shared room, suddenly alone.

 

It had been the first night of the year that Neil was not with him, some one hundred-something days that they had spent together, listening to each others soft breaths until sleep claimed them. Without him, the dark room seemed much darker; the silence much thicker. He had had his own room since he was a toddler, he was used to it. And yet, now, after only these hundred-something days he was already feeling lonely in the empty room.

 

Of course what Todd wasn't expecting, was the door opening at roughly four in the morning, just one or two hours after he had fallen asleep, and a figure standing in the doorway. He figured it was Charlie, waking him up to complain about Cameron snoring again. He thought maybe it was Meek up to ask a question about class tomorrow because surely he was studying and surely he hadn't even gone to bed after they returned. Or maybe it was even Nox, here to swoon about Chris and his perfect night.

 

However it was none of them. In fact, it was Neil himself with his pajama bottoms half covered in snow and his winter coat unbuttoned and draped haphazardly around his shoulders. He shuffled into the room, quietly shutting the door behind him, and took of his coat. He didn't even bother hanging it up, just letting it sit in a pile at the foot of his bed.

 

“Neil?” Todd whispered.

 

Neil paused, his hands at the waistband of his trousers, in the midst of swapping them for a dry pair.

 

“Yeah,” he responded, continuing what he was doing, not looking his roommate in the eyes.

 

“What happened?”

 

Neil was quiet for a long time. Finished with changing his pants, he stood in front of his dresser, his back still facing Todd. Without a word, Neil quickly reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a flashlight. He moved toward the beds, though instead of reaching his own, he pulled back the covers on Todd's and slipped into the sheets, pulling them swiftly over their heads and turning on the flashlight.

 

Todd could tell his roommate had been crying, but he had no idea how to bring up any of his questions.

 

After what felt like a century, Neil finally opened his mouth only to close it a second later. He laughed, thick and humorless and yes, he'd definitely been crying. He opened his mouth again, pausing just a moment before speaking.

 

“I'm never going to be good enough,” he rasped. His eyes gleamed in the muted light under the covers and he laughed again without humor, his smile too painful for Todd to look at. “I have near perfect grades, but I'm in too many clubs, I'm polite, but I keep doing frivolous things.” Again, he laughed, a bit more mad this time and Todd hated it.

 

“He'll probably disown me. I took some money from his wallet to catch a cab over here, I'm sure he and my mother are having a fit right about now.” He continued to laugh quietly, like the idea was the funniest thing he could think of at the moment.

 

“Stop,” Todd whispered. And Neil did. “I hate when you do that.”

 

“Do what,” Neil mumbled, but it didn't quite sound like a question; like he already knew what Todd meant.

 

“Stop laughing when you feel like crying. I can't stand it.”

 

“Todd Anderson, speaking his mind,” Neil mumbled, “quite a historic event.”

 

“Shut up,” Todd whispered without any heat.

 

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Neil was watching the light pulse inside of the flashlight. Todd was watching him. He didn't know if the silence had become awkward or if it was just thick with the memory of Neil being dragged out of the theatre by his father. Either way, he had no idea how to break it.

 

“I, uh-,” Todd mumbled, his voice catching. He cleared his throat before continuing. “I- I read a poem at the meeting today. Professor Keating was there... well... everyone was there. Except you.”

 

Neil looked up at that, his eyes finally catching Todd's for the first time since returning. “You did? Out loud?”

 

Todd chuckled, “Yes, out loud, Stupid. I-... I wrote it myself.”

 

Neil looked on in awe, the corners of his mouth looking a lot less weighed down than they had moments before. “Well what are you waiting for?” he whispered, as if anything louder would break the moment, shatter it into a million shards scattered across the night.

 

Todd coughed, clearing his throat in lieu of something better to do. After a moment of hesitation he left the cocoon of blankets to grab the notebook off his desk before returning.

 

The flashlight kept pulsing, their shadows thrown across the cave of sheets as Todd tried to find the correct page.

 

“Okay,” he whispered, rubbing his nose awkwardly, “a- after every stanza you say 'and still we sleep'.”

 

Neil nodded dutifully, the corners of his mouth twisting into the smallest smile.

 

Todd took a deep breath, not wanting Neil to know who the poem was about or why he'd written it and yet begging at the same time for him to catch on and that maybe this time it would be different and Neil would finally _know._ He didn't hope too fiercely. Instead, he took another breath and read from the pages.

 

“We're dreaming of tomorrow, and tomorrow isn't coming. We're dreaming of the glory that we don't really want. We're dreaming of a new day, when the new day's there already. And we're running from the battle, when its one that must be fought.”

 

Todd looked up, catching Neil's eye and nodding.

 

“And still we sleep,” he whispered gently.

 

Todd smiled. That one whisper felt more powerful than the entire Society's did inside their cave that evening. He continued.

 

“We're listening for the calling, but never really heeding. Hoping for the future, when the future's only plans. Dreaming of the wisdom, that we're dodging daily. Praying for a savior, when salvation's in our hands.”

 

“And still we sleep,” Neil whispered again.

 

“And still we dream, and still we fear, and still we pray.”

 

“And still we sleep,” they finished together.

 

It was quiet once again, only this time it wasn't awkward. Instead it was think with a tension that Todd couldn't describe. It wasn't bad, it wasn't negative and yet it was thick and straining all the same. It was as if, perhaps, Neil had understood what Todd had been trying to say. Or perhaps he hadn't and instead was thinking of something else just the same. Something about Todd. Something he'd only hoped for but had never truly counted on.

 

And yet, in the night so cold the chill was even felt though the closed window and a layer of blankets, Todd couldn't help but notice Neil lean in just a bit. Just a bit, but enough for the chill to be gone and replaced with another, one that had nothing to do with the raging winter storm outside of their dorm room. He leaned forward in response, just a bit. Just a bit, but enough for Neil to smile one full, delicate smile, and lean the rest of the way.

 

Their lips pressed together as quietly and delicately as their words had been spoken, like a whisper, like anything more and the moment would again run the risk of shattering forever into the darkness and the cold. Only a slight pressure, yet Todd could still feel the rough, chapped lips of a man who had been yelling enthusiastically on stage and who had stood outside in the snow as the cab drove away behind him; contemplating if what he had done was the right decision or not. He could practically feel the pounding, frantic heart of Neil Perry thrumming through his lips as he kissed the boy he'd been dreaming about for weeks, as his body trembled from excitement of finally knowing and seeing and breathing in the man beside him.

 

Todd's lips parted ever so slightly as Neil pulled away, trailing instead over both of Todd's eyelids and then resting his lips finally over Todd's forehead in a delicate and thankful gesture.

 

“And still we sleep,” he whispered against the soft skin, so quietly that Todd hadn't even heard, and they both laid down for the night. Gently, Neil reached over and flicked the flashlight off, accidentally knocking it to the ground as the darkness took over. The flashlight rolling and thunking against the hardwood floor the only sound inside the otherwise quiet room, save for the soft breathing of the two roommates lulling each other to sleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My [Tumblr](wholocked-khaleesi-out.tumblr.com), if you want to find me, and if you're wondering about the poem Todd reads, you can find it [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Lv6DCkloAM)


End file.
